Martinis as a treatment for creative block

The other day I happened across a recipe for a martini, a drink I’ve heard a lot about but never tried. The recipe turns out be quite simple which is the way I like my recipes. A martini is mostly gin as it happens. With a bit of vermouth and some ice and a wedge of lime. That’s how I did it anyway. The first mistake I made was to put this concoction together in a half-pint glass. To be fair I don’t own any cocktail-specific glassware so it was either a wine glass, a beer glass or a vase. I improvised with the middle option and was quickly sipping my very first martini and very swish I felt about it too. The sensation of drinking this incredible brew made me feel like i was Don Draper for a few glorious minutes, the only difference being that he liked his martinis at nine in the morning and was a mostly functioning alcoholic. The world very quickly took upon a different complexion. It was like I was in a very fast-paced episode of Dr Who except it was really interesting. After half an hour of this brave and ground-breaking experiment the logic of Brexit suddenly made complete sense to me. This is clearly how David Davies feels most of the time. It’s about the martinis idiot! I conclude whilst falling backwards into a hedge.


I had a dream the other night that our planet was visited by some very middle-class aliens who were unfailingly polite until they discovered half-price avocados at Waitrose. Then it all kicked off. It was a bloodbath.


For a while now I’ve been putting off scrubbing some old screens and making new ones up as it seems wrong to destroy what I presume to be perfectly good work. On the other hand, thinking rationally, it makes sense to make room for new ideas and new work by removing the old.

This is what creative renewal and keeping sheds clutter free is all about. What I hadn’t anticipated when i started this company was how attached I’d get to the actual screens and the designs on them. Some of them feel like old friends. Admittedly the sort of friends who are always letting you down and defying your expectations. Like bad pets or surly kids. I loved them nevertheless. And now they are gone. No more ‘Inner Baboons’ or ‘Fishes on a bike’. No longer will have the pleasure of ‘Middle-class bus’ or ‘Elephant in the Room’. 

On the plus side it means I now have a new raft of designs to fill my screens with. Stuff I have been promising but not delivering. ‘Otter Stupidity’ for instance will soon be making its grand entrance. ‘Why is my Life Happening To Me’ is waiting impatiently in the wings. ‘Wet T’Shirt Competition Winner 2018’, ‘Jesus was a Carpenter’. It’s a veritable rosta of instant classics! What I’m trying to say is that I am actually doing some work here instead of being paralysed by indecision. Now I’m bracing myself for the inevitable “we preferred his early work” comments that will undoubtedly come my way. And if you do say this, I won’t believe you. Remember, I have the sales figures to back it up.

My teenage son like many teenagers spends a huge amount of time on You-Tube chuckling away at inanities. In an attempt to broker a new dynamic in the father-son relationship I suggested we should collaborate on making a You-Tube video. He leapt at the idea and insisted on filming me as we went on a walk. He asked me lots of questions about my business which I answered with great wit and wisdom. Then he edited out all of the intelligence and posted the following video online. Apparently, his school mates all think it’s hilarious.